I'm going into Thanksgiving break with 1 DO interview, 0 MD interviews, and 2 MD rejections.

i knew this process would be tough as hell, but i always had this hope that things would work out in the end. I honestly didn't expect complete radio silence from 26 schools.

I truly believed that these adcoms would be able to see past my low sGPA and see my story and want to know more about me. i thought they would be able to see how i have worked my ass off for this for as long as i can remember. I thought they would be able to see my grit, as a first-generation low-income kid who grew up on free lunches and hand-me-downs, yet still made it to an Ivy League university. I thought they would be able to understand how tough I have had it, losing my mom to cancer during college, yet still pushing through and maintaining an upward trajectory despite everything. I thought they would see my passion for equity in medicine through my post-grad work dedicated to accessible care for low-income communities near me.

I really believed that.

Now I just feel foolish thinking 'oh it'll all work out in the end, it's not over til it's over' when i have virtually nothing to show for it.

And now I'll have to face my family this weekend, who only ever have one thing to ask me about. It is challenging not to equate my self-worth with getting into medical school when it has been constantly hammered into me since I was a kid. And somewhere along the way, I found my own unique purpose within medicine, and wanted to really do it for myself and for my mother. I am constantly told by both people in my life and strangers alike that I will make a great physician one day, and that the world needs me as a doctor.

And I really believed that too.

And although I still do believe this, it literally feels like my journey to medicine is this long, narrow hallway, like in your nightmares, that gets increasingly longer, and you feel like you'll never reach the end.

If you came to the end of this rant, I appreciate it. Maybe I'll be back to my hopeful, naive, optimistic self later, but for now, I needed to get this out.