I don't really know where to start because this post is coming from a very vulnerable place. I apologize in advance for the length, but I honestly just need a place to vent after the craziness of the last few weeks.

About a month ago, I was on two waitlists and had one deferral. I was mentally prepared for the fact that I'd have to reapply, take another two gap years, and most likely retake my MCAT. Then, early in May, I got my first acceptance. A couple of weeks after that, I got my second acceptance. I was genuinely over the moon and honestly still am.

The only person at work that I ever talked about applying to med school was one of our doctors. He's been such a steady source of support for me over the last year of working at this office and throughout the application cycle. About a week after my first acceptance, I saw him at work and shared the news with him. He was genuinely so happy for me. I was excited to share the news of my second acceptance with him as well, but unfortunately, I never got the chance to as he very unexpectedly passed away two days later.

It's been two weeks since then, and to say I've taken his passing badly is an understatement. It's so weird going to work now, like everything is normal, especially during the days that I know he was supposed to be on the schedule. I just kind of end up replaying all our past conversations in my head and feel sad about all the conversations we could've had in the future.

I work for a corporate-owned practice, and it's like they've barely acknowledged his passing, and we have to go back to the grind of making the company money. Hard to give a single damn about that now. It doesn't help that everyone I work with just kind of skirts around the fact that he's passed. Which I sort of understand, it's a very sad situation, and it's hard to think about, but I also can't help but feel like his presence is being erased because no one wants to talk about it.

Idk what else to say tbh. I just feel like I've had such whiplash over the last few weeks with everything going on, and it's just been very bittersweet. On the one hand, I'm very grateful to have gotten accepted and to have had the relationship I had with my mentor, but it's sort of weird trying to organize my feelings now.