Disclaimer, I am already seeing a therapist for this and am on antidepressants so don't suggest that pls.

This past med school cycle has really, really affected my self worth. I did not grow up attractive and nor did I receive any romantic attention in either hs, college, or 2 of my post grad years. I also was not particularly popular, rich, or have an exciting life. I think this affected why I put so much of my self esteem and validation into academics and the work I do. And I really am proud of the work I have done over the past few years. Yes I touch grass and have hobbies, but at the end of the day, my self worth has been strongly tied to to the work I do because it was a way of me feeling less like a loser. Honestly, this never really affected me until I was a couple of years into college. Growing up, my parents had encouraged me that I am a smart girl and I should not worry about being being pretty or popular. Obviously that is a safe thing to tell a young girl. But now that I am older, I am seeing beautiful people get into top med schools and having the life I wish I had AND achieving more than I have. Not to mention, I have had parental deaths and other trauma over the past few years that I would think would be "offset" by the universe if I got into a great med school. I think its wrecking my self esteem from the inside out and I feel like a loser. I see gorgeous girls who had an exciting and trauma free life get into JHU or UCSF MD/PhDs and here I am with a loser life asking myself why couldn't I have worked harder or did better in life. I feel like I embody "f my chungus life" every single day.

I got into one med school, which I am infinitely grateful for, but I cannot help but doubt myself now and ask why the 37 other schools I applied to did not want me. I feel like the one redeeming thing I had going in my life failed me.

Honestly, I am posting this as kind of a diary rant but also to see if anyone else feels similar to me in a way.