I’ve realized that I’m checking admissions updates so obsessively because I’m hoping they’ll give me something deeper than good news. I want an acceptance or interview to prove that I’m good enough, qualified, worthy, and that my life is going somewhere.

For a long time, I’ve used achievements to compensate for feeling unimportant or disconnected. Whenever something was missing from my personal life, I could tell myself that I was succeeding academically and that eventually it would all be worth it. But I can see that the goalpost would just keep moving. Even getting into medical school wouldn’t necessarily make me happy; I’d probably start comparing myself to people at better schools or wondering what I could have achieved if I was just a little bit better. An II can't substitute for a friend texting you because they thought you'd like something. A 515+ can't substitute for somebody remembering your birthday. An acceptance letter can't substitute for feeling wanted.

I think what I actually want is to feel valued and happy with my life without needing accomplishments or other people’s judgments to prove that I matter. I want to be able to appreciate what I’ve already achieved instead of constantly comparing it to where I think I should be.